The Art of Communication, Dating, and Relationships

Are you wondering “what is wrong with my relationship?” Coaching has taught me that many people seem to “wing” their relationships – professional and personal. What I notice is that people don’t always regularly offer consistent and mindful attention to their relationships – instead they react to them. For this reason, effective communication and listening skills are paramount to the development of every successful relationship. Learning how to navigate the dating scene and relationships can be a challenge, but the rewards are exciting, fulfilling and often times – lasting. I’m excited to work with you on your journey!

What are the basics in a relationship?

• What are the ingredients of a healthy and happy relationship?
• What is the difference between a bad relationship and a painful relationship?
• Are all painful relationships bad?
• What are our beliefs about the challenges we face in relationships? Do we endure them? Do we reason? Do we excuse? Do we look for solution? Do we work together?
• How do you promote a healthy relationship? What does this look like?
• What are you willing to put into your relationship, what do you want out of it, and where and when do you need to meet someone in the middle?
• What are healthy boundaries? What do they look like? How are they formed and enforced?
• Where does your responsibility in a relationship end and the other person’s begins?

Defining the relationship

Clearly not all relationships are the same, nor do they carry the same weight. These questions are meant for those of you who are curious, dating, ten years into marriage, and for those of you who want to understand the nature of relationships and your role within each one. Because of this, my website is an invitation to those of you who are interested in learning the skills that will enable you to work and contribute productively in your personal and business relationships.

Other questions I will address include:

• What does toxicity in a relationship look like and how do you separate it from the rest of the relationship?
• How do you identify toxicity and its origins?
• How do you break free from toxic cycles?
• How do you learn to become of aware of a tendency to blame rather than take responsibility for your role?
• What is your agenda within the relationship?
• Are you interested in being right or are you interested in finding middle ground (see agenda)?

I don’t want to get hurt by love

Pain is inevitable within our important relationships; specifically, in friendships, loving and familial relationships. Therefore it’s the people we love the most that are the ones who can hurt us the most and vice versa. So how do we effectively communicate with our loved ones and others in a way that will bring about the most productive and authentic outcome?

Relationships are challenging because communication is challenging. For example, have you ever heard someone say “That’s not what I meant”? Have you ever said it? Have you ever felt confused about how to accurately communicate what you’re thinking or feeling? Or kept quiet because you didn’t know how to say what you wanted to say?

Learn how to say what you mean and get clear if you’re misunderstood

Effective communication within a relationship requires skills. And different relationships require different skills. Communication with your boss is different than it is with your partner. You will not communicate the same way with the cashier at your grocery store as you do with your clergymen. Same thing when it comes to say your students vs your children.

Successful relationships are built on effective communication, healthy boundaries and mindfulness. These attributes stem from the relationship an individual has with Self. And as part of my introductory offer, a 45-minute phone consultation and a one-page outline on Daily Self Coaching is yours at no cost.

Do I really need to work at my relationships?

Relationships are a creation made by the people that comprise them. In this light they can be compared to anything living. And like the people within the relationship, relationships can be either healthy or unhealthy. If the people involved are interested in the longevity and health of the relationship – it must be tended to. We will discuss how to do this in your coaching sessions.

Understanding our motivations within a relationship is an important step toward the development of a successful relationship. So, successful relationships require awareness, attention and patience by everyone involved. This requires an awareness of applicable tools – specifically effective communication.

In your coaching sessions you will learn:

• How to set healthy boundaries
• The difference between listening and hearing
• The difference between speaking in person and communicating online or through text (not advisable!)
• Conflict resolution skills
• The art of compromise
• Prioritizing relationship energy
• Relationship energy transference
• The art of authenticity and honesty
• The definitions and examples of codependency and enabling behaviors
• A basic understanding of common personality disorders
• The art of “Backing Off”
• The art of confrontation
• Self-love and Self trust

Phone, FaceTime or Skype Sessions include:

1. Individual Sessions
2. Group Sessions
3. Conference Calls
4. Eight Week or 16 Hour Workshops – Email for details.
5. Speaking Engagements

About Me

I received my coaching certification from Dale Carnegie Management and Leadership Training in 1994. My clients are everyday people from every walk of life. I will coach you in effective communication and listening skills, the art of successful dating, becoming mindful and how to create healthy relationships using healthy boundaries.

Lisa Sawicki ~ CPPC, CLC, LPCC, IDCA
Certified Executive Life Coach
619.722.5056
www.facebook.com/lifecoachinsandiego

Really? If I want a better life I should get a coach? Let Tina B. Eshel tell you why!

Details on the empowered life and the growth of an industry

BY Tina B. Eshel

If I asked you to pause for a moment and empty your mind of all thoughts, you would likely find this very difficult. The average person has hundreds of thoughts flying through his or her mind at any given moment. The unquiet mind is what has brought rise to “mindfulness,” the omnipresent word that encourages people to be present, thoughtful, and cognizant of only this exact moment.  The idea is that with mindfulness comes changes in destructive habits of never-ending thought loops that keep our minds spinning.

Coaching can help, but what exactly does a coach do and how does it differ from therapy?

Suppose you want to run a marathon.  If you went to a therapist, she might say, “let’s discuss your experiences with running. Why do you want to run? What does running mean to you?”

A coach, on the other hand, is more likely to say, “What’s your goal?  I’ll help you achieve that goal so you can have your best possible run.”

Lisa Sawicki is a life coach who specializes in what she calls Self Coaching.  The idea for Self Coaching came from a professional “ah-ha” moment. Get a coach and reap the benefits of those “ah-ha” moments.

“I realized that in my coaching practice that all of us are coaching ourselves, one thought at a time, 16 hours a day.  We all frame our reactions, live with our feelings and shift our feelings 16 hours a day.”

As important as regular sessions with a coach can be, the time in between sessions is where new habits are either formed or forgotten.

“Unless I teach people how to daily Self Coach then when I’m not there to help them through challenging emotions, decisions, and actions they will not be able to make progress.  I knew I wanted to teach each client that their internal dialog is the how they are coaching themselves.”

What does it mean to Get a Coach?

“It means first of all that you listen to yourself.”  Sawicki says. “Listen to your self talk.  From the moment we are up, our minds are talking to us. We listen to ourselves and we direct our day, our emotions, what we do, and don’t do.  We are our own coaches but when we actively work to control the chatter of our minds we have to pause to feel and to think, to see if the thinking is clear.”

The Self Coaching possibilities are endless – whatever your need.  There’s a coach for you whether it’s business, relationships, or parenting.  In addition to Self Coaching, Sawicki works with clients who are struggling with boundaries and narcissism.

“The common thread of a narcissist is to make people feel inadequate.  They use shame, fear, and guilt to manipulate.   It’s very confusing because the narcissist can look like they have it together.”

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others.  But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism, she explains.

A Narcissistic Personality Disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs.

Sawicki coaches people who are narcissists or who are deeply involved with a narcissist. “Once you go through my program you learn what narcissistic traits are and how to protect yourself and your emotions through understanding and boundary setting techniques.”

She has been coaching for years but she just recently received certification from the International Coach Federation. When you get a coach make sure they are certified.

“We are in the world where accreditation means a lot to a lot of people … I wanted to get trained.  My three accreditations brought me further along.  I was able to morph my skills, talents and intuition into something that is solid.”  Sawicki says.

Clients generally work with her for six sessions although some just want one session and others stay with her for a year or more, all with the intent to get better at “scheduling our doable and attainable actions.”

“Self Coaching involves looking at one thought at a time.  We change our life, one thought our time.  We power our life, one thought at a time.  I help individuals break down their thought and self-analyzing  processes to create new possibilities for action. I suggest people get a coach and change their lives for the better.”

Statistics state that one in ten Americans suffers from depression and even more experience chronic anxiety. Our society often breeds emotional dependency, and far too many people are searching for a “quick fix” to solve their problems and issues as opposed to empowering themselves with increased emotional independence. The independence needed to cope with life in today’s world comes when a person has the ability to calm themselves after something upsetting happens and then begin to figure out how to problem solve and deal with the situation; or work on accepting it if it is out of their control. People who are not equipped to be emotionally independent are constantly seeking outside help when they feel upset or need to problem-solve. This is because they don’t know how to take responsibility and manage their own emotions, calm themselves down, and look for rational options and possibilities. When one does begin to learn emotional independence and to take personal responsibility, they become their own self-coach, and the good news is that anyone can easily and quickly learn the skills and techniques to do this.

YOU ARE THE ONE AND ONLY DIRECTOR OF YOUR LIFE

As a life coach, I feel the responsibility to teach positive and specific daily self-coaching techniques and skills to each of my clients. As a part of my program, I teach those I work with to use the 16 waking hours of each day to positively, realistically and productively talk to themselves and direct their reactions and actions. Even if a person is already working with a life coach or therapist, most only do so for an hour per week. While that is fine, just imagine the results that can be achieved if you were to become your own coach for the other 111 waking hours of each week! Our 16 waking hours a day consist of managing emotions, thoughts, reactions and actions. No one escapes that fact. But when problems arise, far too many people don’t know how to cope with them, because they have never been taught how to selfcoach and self-talk to themselves. Our society breeds us to feel fearful, shameful, not good enough, guilty, competitive, better than or less than. We are bombarded with these messages thousands of times a day from the media, community, friends and family, co-workers, caregivers and those who may be jealous of us. Throughout our lives we learn so many things other than how to employ our own self-management, and then we wonder why we are unhappy, feeling flat and joyless.

PRACTICING DAILY SELFAWARENESS AND COACHING

The benefits of learning and practicing selfcoaching include:

• Calmness
• Productiveness
• Decisiveness
• Schedule control
• Confidence
• Resiliency
• Awareness of fair, healthy and safe boundaries
• Awareness of desired and undesired actions and commitments
• Self-control and acceptance
• The ability to reach realistic goals
• Happiness and fulfillment

Here are some self-coaching skills you can start incorporating immediately:

• Take notice, without any judgment, what your inner thoughts and inner self-talk reveal about you. Are you mostly positive or negative? Are you a victim, insecure, judgmental, fearful, fair, realistic, jealous, conceited, needy or competitive?
• As you start noticing what your inner world is telling you and how you are feeling, write down your self-observations. Take a real look at yourself and journal your thoughts, reactions, emotions and ongoing actions and attitudes. This will help you get clarity on your innerthought tendencies.
• Make a non-negotiable choice, from this day forward, to love, have compassion for, trust, accept and be supportive of yourself. Remember, finding happiness and fulfillment begins with your positive self-talk and the messages you are giving yourself. Do not allow room for negative feelings. No matter what. No excuses. You owe that to yourself. You must choose to love and accept yourself fully and be powerfully self-supportive. You must take responsibility for your peace of mind and the fulfillment of your life. Know that your happiness is no one else’s responsibility. It is yours and yours alone!
• Come up with four positive self-talk goals every week. Write down the messages you need to say to yourself and implement them daily.

Here are some self-talk starters:

• When my inner self-talk is negative in any way or someone/something is bothering me, I am going to challenge myself to discover a way to positively reframe it, let go of the negativity, let the situation be, or create a possible desired positive solution or outcome.
• I choose to support myself and direct myself to accomplish positive actions – large and small – with pleasure and ease.
• I choose not to take things personally, but to learn and grow from mistakes, hurts and disappointments. (This one is not easy, but if you start practicing, it will quickly change those wasteful, negative feelings that bring you down and prevent you from feeling self-acceptance and peace.)
• I can say: “No thank you” gracefully and graciously when I need to (Believe me, this is a HUGE one).
• I can be self-responsible and self-accountable.
• I choose to be a person of my word, meaning I do what I declare I am going to do.
• I choose to be pleasant, compassionate, fair and clearly communicative with everyone.
• In each day I am given, I will create a pleasurable schedule for myself that allows me to feel grounded and fulfilled. This will require that I properly prioritize things and have patience to accomplish my needs and goals. I choose to conquer my tasks and assignments in a timely, relaxed matter and not leave them to the last minute, which can often create problems, messes and stress.
• I choose to create a life worth living.
• When I feel hurt, angry, sad, scared or disappointed, I will always allow myself some time for grief, and then to be healthily and emotionally resilient.
• I choose to do something every day or week that is good for me.
• I choose to acknowledge or reward myself every day for the positive and productive things I have accomplished.
• I choose to feel grateful every day for all of my loved ones and my blessings.

WHY SELF-TALK IS SO VITAL

Through my coaching practice, I have come to realize that everyone, including myself, is actually self-coaching our lives during every one of our waking hours. That coaching can be positive or negative. Learning how to properly, skillfully and positively self-coach is essential to achieving a higher quality of life. The way we feel and conduct ourselves every day begins with our self-talk. Here are some examples of this: Negative Self-Talk

• I hate my body.
• I’m too old.
• No one likes me.
• Everything bad happens to me.
• People are only being nice to me because they want something, they just want to use me. Positive Self-Talk
• I see the beauty in my body and am so grateful for all that it does for me.
• I accept myself and others.
• I really like myself and enjoy my own company.
• All people are equals, no one is better than anyone else. We all shine in our own way.

If you begin to practice all of these concepts, these self-coaching and self-talk skills, you will instantly m
anifest a more positive inner and outer peace. You will take control of your emotions and actions. You will become a more positive person, and your outcomes will prove to be greatly improved. THE BOTTOM LINE: START YOUR SELF-COACHING REGIMEN RIGHT NOW!  CALL ME (619) 722-5056 or send me a message.

You are Coaching Yourself 16 Hours a Day…You Won’t Believe Your Life Outcomes When You Do It Right!

Everyone needs to know the power of your inner thoughts, messages and self-talk.

Through my Coaching Practice, I realized that all adults, including myself, are actually self coaching our lives, about 16 waking hours a day. Learning how to properly and skillfully daily self coach is essential to the quality of our lives our relationships and our very important relationship with ourselves. It all begins with our self talk, the way you talk to yourself and messages you give yourself throughout the day.

Here are some examples of this:

Negative Self –Talk

I am so fat…I hate my body

I am too old for…

I never have any fun

I am not a fun person

No one really likes me

I never have anything to wear

She or He is better than me

Everything bad happens to me

They are only being nice to me because they want something from me

They just want to use me

Positive Self-Talk

I see the beauty in my body and am so grateful for all that it does for

I accept myself..I accept others

I never want to say mean or bullying messages to myself

I am young at heart and can do what I choose to

I am a fun person

I am likable…lovable ( and really believe it)

I trust the sincere intentions of myself and others

I really like myself..I enjoy my own company

All of us are equals, no one is better than anyone else. We all shine in our own way

I believe that compliment because they really meant what they said about me

Why is self-talk so vitally important?

Statistics prove that 1 in 10 Americans suffer from depression and even more people experience chronic anxiety. No one teaches the ramifications of our inner thoughts and statements and how to positively, with intention, “Self-Coach” during those 16 waking hours per day (based on an 8 hour sleep schedule).

Our society often breeds emotional dependency, trying only to “FIX” problems and issues as they arise, as opposed to Empowering people with increased emotional independence. Emotional independence is when a person has the ability to calm themselves after something upsetting happens to them and begin to figure out how to problem solve the situation or work on accepting it if it is out of their control. People who are not emotionally independent are constantly needing ‘outside help ‘ vices or ‘fixes’ when they feel upset or need to problem solve. They do not know how to manage their own emotions.

People need to learn how manage their own upset emotions, calm themselves down and look for options and possibilities. With taking responsibility that like it or not, you are self coaching 16 hours a day, a person can easily and quickly learn the tools, skills and techniques to be self-aware, positively shift their self-talk, and own the TRUTH that every single one of us is doing our own daily, moment-to-moment, self coaching.

You are the one and only Director of Your Life.

As a Coach, I feel the mandatory responsibility to teach positive and specific daily self coaching techniques and skills to each of my clients for the 16 waking hours a day that they are positively, realistically and productively talking to themselves and directing their reactions and actions as opposed to being self-sabotaging . Even if a person is already working with a Coach or Therapist, on average that is only one hour per week, can you imagine the life results you could achieve if you were positively coaching yourself the other 111 waking hours a week? Endless possibilities.

Our 16 waking hours a day consists of managing emotions, thoughts, reactions and actions. No conscience person escapes that fact.The problem is we are never taught how to healthily talk to our self and self coach. Our society breeds us to feel fearful, shameful, not good enough, guilty, competitive, better than or less than. We are bombarded with these messages thousands of times a day from the media, community, some friends and family, co-workers, care-givers and maybe others who are jealous. We concentrate and learn so many things other than our own powerful self management and then we wonder why so many people find themselves unhappy, feeling ‘flat and joyless’, like a victim, in a bad relationship , job or circumstance, abused or just dissatisfied. ” Life is what happens to you when you are not practicing daily self awareness and self coaching”. The actual daily benefits of learning and practicing self coaching are more:

Calmness

Self Directed Productiveness

Decisiveness

Schedule Control

Confidence..

Resiliency and Less Personalization

Awareness of fair, healthy and safe boundaries

Aware of desired and undesired actions and commitments

Self control and self acceptance

Ability to reach realistic goals

Happiness and Fulfillment

Here are some self coaching skills that you can start incorporating immediately:

a. Notice ( without any judgement…just observe) what your inner thoughts and inner self talk reveal about you. Are you for the most part a positive person? negative? victim? insecure? judgemental? fearful? fair? realistic? jealous? conceded? needy? competitive? etc..

b. Notice how you feel just being by yourself . Is it nice or are you bored? Do you feel comfortable being by yourself without talking to anyone?

c. Notice how you feel with the different people in your life. Is it nice to be or talk with them? Maybe not so nice or pleasant with some individuals.

d. Start observing how people feel in your company and about you. Are you likable? lovable? judgemental? needy? nice?

e. As you really start noticing what your inner world is saying to you and how you are feeling. Feel free to write down some of these self observations in a notebook if you choose. Take a real look at yourself and noticed your thoughts, reactions, emotions and on-going actions and attitudes. Now after you really take this time to self observe and get clarity on your inner thought tendencies…

f. Not negotiable: Make a choice from this day forward and Every Day to love, have compassion, trust, accept and powerfully be supportive to yourself. It all begins with your positive self talk and messages you are giving to yourself. There is no room for victim feelings or repetitive negative feelings.No matter what. No excuses. You owe that to yourself. You must choose to love and accept yourself fully and to daily choose to be self supportive. You take responsibility for your peace of mind ( meditate..walk, dance..read..etc) and the fulfillment of your life.

Your happiness is not anyone else’s responsibility..it is yours. .If you are open now to make some realistic, powerful positive shifts, write down 4 goals, issues, challenges or outcomes you would like to make happen for yourself that you can start working on. Just 4 to start.

h. Now…think of what self talk you have to tell yourself to schedule and work on each of those 4 goals every week. Write down the positive self talk messages you need to say and implement to begin daily or weekly to reach those goals.

Here are some self talk sentence starters:

Everyday for 1/2 to 1 hour a day I am going to………

When my inner self talk is negative in any way, or someone or something is bothering me, I am going to challenge myself to discover if I can positively re-frame it, let it go, let it be or create a possible desired positive solution or outcome.

I am choosing to talk with strong support to myself and direct myself to do positive large and small actions with pleasure and some ease.

I choose not to take things personally, but to learn and grow from all tough mistakes, hurts and disappointments. This is not easy but if you start practicing it, it will quickly change those wasteful, negative feelings that only bring you down and prevent you from feeling self accepting and peaceful.

I can say “No Thank You” gracefully and graciously when I need to and is a healthy self boundary for me! This is HUGE.

I can realistically be self responsible and self accountable.

I choose to be a ‘person of my word’ meaning I do what I declare I am going to do. This way you don’t disappoint yourself and others or create “messes”. I also choose to say ‘I am sorry’ when it is true and necessary.

I choose to be nice, pleasant, fair and clearly communicative with all others.

In the 24 hours a day that I am given, I will create a pleasurable, do able schedule for myself that allows me to feel grounded and fulfilled. This will require that I properly prioritize and have patience to accomplish my needs and goals in a sane and healthy way.

I choose to have Schedule Control for creating a ‘Life Worth Living’. I can direct my scheduled day..every day ( even making additional time and room for spontaneity and the occasional unexpected situation). I don’t allow my day to direct me like a rat in a maze.

When I feel hurt, angry, sad, scared or disappointed I will always choose allow myself some time for my grief and then to be healthily and emotionally resilient. Resiliency is one of the most human being successful skills and tools.

I choose to challenge myself every week to do something that is ‘ good for me’ even if I avoid or resist it. You can’t imagine how your world and heart will open up from stretching ‘your comfort zone’.

I choose to silently acknowledge or reward myself everyday for the positive and productive things I have accomplished. This is mandatory! Get used to it.You have to compliment yourself inwardly for doing a good or burdensome job. You count and You need to give yourself praise. We are not just ‘Doing Machines”.

I choose to conquer my tasks and assignments in a timely, relaxed matter and not leave them to the last minute which can often create problems, messes and stress.

I choose to be compassionate and fair with others.

I choose to feel grateful everyday for all of my and my loved one’s blessings.

If you begin to practice all of these concepts and self coaching skills you will begin to almost instantly manifest a more positive inner and outer existence.

Your emotions and actions will be more positive and your outcomes greatly more improved and satisfied.

Bottom Line: Self Coach Starting Now.

To Learn more about the Self Coach Now Program , request an interview or Speaking Engagement with Lisa Lapides Sawicki please call 619.722.5056 or email lisa@selfcoachnow.com

It dawned on me through my coaching practice that our mind chatter and inner thoughts are actually coaching each person. Sixteen hours a day most of us are awake and we are having our thoughts, our feelings, our reactions, our emotions, our responses, and our questions. We make internal decisions all the time, weather their right, wrong, fair, delusional, practical, insecure, or grandious. We listen to other people speak and inside we interpret what we think we hear. We tell ourselves from the moment we wake up what next to do, or not to do. As I have been coaching my clients once a week with some very powerful results, I realized that they still have 111 waking hours during the week that I am not coaching them, they are coaching themselves. This breakthrough realization for me profpted to create a realistic positive and powerful self talk awareness and skills to teach my clients, and to incorporate in my own life.

How it works is; first of all everyone needs to create a good and long enough 7-8 hours sleeping environment. As always known,  good sleep is one of the best things you can do to yourself. Everyone needs to get good sleep. When you wake up in the morning you need to direct yourself to do the things that feel good for you. For some people that might be having coffee or tea in bed. For about fifteen or twenty minutes to wake up and gear themselves up for the upcoming day. Then, you need to figure out what makes sense to do in the morning to get ready for work or to create your whole day. Many people find exercise is a great thing to do in the morning, to start their day and get it off their to do list. But for some people, they choose to exercise later in the day or not at all. Here are some basic goals that your inner talk can direct you to handle for a optimum day.

Get good;

• Sleep
• Food nourishment (healthy meal preparation)
• Exercise (even if its 15 minutes)
• Good hygiene
• Positive inner thoughts
• Avoid unnecessary stressful conversations (a friend, neighbor, or relative who is dumping stress on you)
• Pace and schedule your day comfortably (don’t over schedule, over commit, or make a too large daily to do list)
• You need “me time”; time for meditation, relaxation, pleasure, and fun. Many people enjoy being with nature for their me time.
• Create a doable to do list
• Any admisntrative work (bill paying, preparing for work, projects, and other goal projects)
• Home matenince

How does our inner thoughts and inner talk actually direct us? We have constant mind discussions, your brain is talking to you all the time, telling you what to do. Also, we are forcing what you think you feel. For example; if someone wakes up in the morning, and they know they should exercise but they dont really feel like it. Their brain is saying to them, “I don’t really feel like exercising im just going to blow it off”. What I am suggesting is instead of just letting your inner talk say “I am not in the mood to do it, I want to blow it off,” how about shifting your inner talk to say to yourself “even though im not in the mood to exercise, I know how good it is for me, and how much better I feel if I do even 20 minutes of something. Why don’t I just get up and do 20 minutes of something, the reward will be great and I feel really good about myself”.

Lisa Sawicki, July 2015