Self Sabotage – With Lisa Lapides Sawicki, Certified Life Coach
Have you ever set a realistic and attainable self improvement goal only to find your progress blocked before you ever achieved that goal? If you find your answer is “yes” to that question, was the obstacle preventing your success within your control? If so, you might be guilty of self sabotage. When a person consciously or unconsciously hinders their own success through destructive words or behavior, that is called self sabotage.
We all have moments in our life where something doesn’t turn out as planned, but self sabotage occurs when we get in the way of our own progress. There are many reasons why someone might unknowingly do this. For example, fear of failure can be so overwhelming that it causes a person to quit before someone else sees them fail. For others, the fear of success might be the cause.
Our Desired Goal
The thought of actually attaining that long desired goal creates a state of fear or anxiety because now they feel they might not be able to live up to those expectations. There are many reasons why we get in the way of our own progress, but if you know it’s happening you can sometimes stop yourself from sabotaging your chances for success.
My guest today is certified Life Coach, Lisa Lapides Sawicki. We speak with Lisa about what causes us to sabotage ourselves and more importantly how we can learn to overcome these self destructive impulses.
In This Episode You’ll Learn About Self Sabotage
What are some examples of self sabotage?
Can others sabotage you?
What is the “monkey mind”?
Can positive self talk help people overcome self sabotage?
Why do people break others down in their quest to succeed?
Has Lisa ever self sabotaged?
How habits can contribute to self sabotage.
How do people sabotage romantic relationships?
What is cognitive dissonance?
How do we learn to stop self sabotaging?
How do we live a more “normal” life?
A fear of commitment, low self esteem, or feeling undeserving of happiness or success, are just some of the reasons why we deliberately sabotage ourselves. If you’re always missing out on that dream job, or if that happy long term relationship is just out of reach, maybe it’s time to ask yourself, “Are you the obstacle?” There is nothing shameful in admitting we might be sabotaging ourselves. You may need help in overcoming these behaviors, but think of it as an opportunity to learn and grow so you can finally be happy to live the life you deserve every day. Stop putting things off, stop procrastinating! The future you dream of starts now.
Set a realistic and attainable goal for yourself and go after it! Put together a road map outlining each of the steps along your journey to success. Instead of taking actions that undermine your progress, hold yourself accountable by sharing your progress with your support team at every step of the journey.
Pulling it all Together
Celebrate every small victory and be proud of your accomplishments. If you do that consistently and enjoy each small step daily, you’ll be well on your way to realizing your dream. Remember, every day is a gift and the gift we get from changing our behavior to ensure that we accomplish our goals is a gift that will keep on giving. You too can realize your dreams and build the life you’ve always dreamed of for yourself.
I’m Florine Mark and that’s“Today’s Takeaway.”
Quotes from the Self Sabotage Interview:
“Self sabotage is when we actively, or passively, or unconsciously, think thoughts and take actions, or no actions, that absolutely sabotage our success.” – Lisa
“For some people they really have regrets, big regrets, when they don’t account for something that they have continued to self sabotage their whole life.” – Lisa
“It’s not about the outside world; it’s working with who you are.” – Lisa
“The inner talk is our world.” – Lisa
“It all starts with the inner talk.” – Lisa
“It takes a really strong person to not fall prey to the criticisms and the judgements of other people.” – Lisa
“I can have the feast and the fun without the excess.” – Lisa
“Insecurity is why people will self sabotage a loving relationship.” – Lisa
“Make a custom design plan that’s doable for you.” – Lisa
It is possible, even in these trying times, to be productive, creative and peaceful. How you ask?
Let me show you techniques that will:
manage your daily emotions and upsets
understand “next step” actions and options
become self aware so that logic and reason can rule you
become aware of “circumstancial awareness” that will allow that logic and reason to work
learn effective problem solving skills
Don’t spend your precious life worrying and feeling anxious about whatever it is that is going on. There is way out. Remember, that life challenges are what is forging your character and so rising up to face them is mandatory. But being overwhelmed is counterproductive.
Is it really possible to coach yourself?
I’ve been a life coach for years and have taught many, many people the skills they need to cope. I call it self-coaching. Why is it important to know how to do this? Because you can’t have a life coach with you at every moment. So, you need these skills that you can use whenever, and wherever you are. Easy right?
Well, it’s not that easy unless you have someone give you the tips and techniques that really work. Life can overwhelm us. When that happens it becomes very difficult to see things objectively. You begin to feel sorry for yourself and depression can set in. What’s the best way out of that spiral? A great life coach who can teach you how to coach yourself.
To learn how to coach yourself call me!
Don’t hesitate to call me. We can schedule a time to meet via Zoom or in person and you can start on the road to learning how to COACH YOURSELF through life’s trials and tribulations.
Don’t hesitate, call me and get control of your life today!
Narcissists can be very difficult to spot. Over time, they learn how to optimally manipulate their victims, and get by with their schemes without anyone questioning them.
What makes it even more confusing is that they don’t all act the same way. Certain patterns of behavior are consistent, such as when they idealize, devalue, then discard their romantic partners. But there are actually three distinct types of narcissists who act very differently on the outside, according to therapist Elinor Greenberg.
One of the toughest sub-types to spot is the covert narcissist, because they blend into the background much of the time. They aren’t a cliché of a grandiose, self-obsessed, “look at me” narcissist, Greenberg said. Instead, they are quietly cruel and behave in a much more passive-aggressive way.
For example, they may appear calm and professional to most people. But to those they are in a relationship with they are demeaning, cold, and abusive, and they can switch between these Jekyll and Hyde characters with ease.
People with dark triad personalities thrive off other people’s chaos, so a common game of theirs is to set their romantic partners up for failure all the time, then punish them for doing so. Sometimes they make empty promises, then get a kick out of the reaction when they don’t deliver. So if you’re dating a narcissist, keep that in mind.
“They do what they want to do when they want to do it,” said Shannon Thomas, a licensed clinical social worker who wrote the book “Healing from Hidden Abuse.” “And then they make themselves look like the victim.”
What Else Happens When You are Dating a Narcissist?
Some people who are dating a narcissist notice that they even deny making promises in the first place. In addition, they you’ll find them gaslighting their partner into think they are losing their mind. Over time, the victim may completely lose touch with reality, known as perspecticide.
You may wonder why anyone would be in a relationship with a covert narcissist in the first place, and the answer is complicated. According to Perpetua Neo, a therapist and doctor of psychology, one reason is covert narcissists are highly skilled at sucking their victims in with sob stories. This, she said, is a very effective trap for people who are high in empathy.
“Think about it like the covert narcissist has wormed their way into your heart,” she said. “There tends to be a string of misfortune, like every single ex is a jerk, every single friend they have is unhealthy. Always ask yourself what kind of circle of friends this person has. If they have zero friends, that’s an alarm bell, because the whole world cannot be that unhealthy.” Again, keep these things in mind when dating a narcissist.
What Stories will the Narcissist Tell You?
Spinning tales about their abusive childhood, or their battles with addiction, leads highly empathetic people down a path where they start to feel sorry for the covert narcissist. Further down the line you’ll develop a sense of responsibility over them, Neo said, because you feel “tethered to their potential.”
“But this covert narcissist has no intention of changing their lives,” she said. “It’s all a way of sucking you in and a way of getting attention, and a way of justifying their s****y behavior towards you.”
A Narcissist Will Manipulate Your Empathy
The problem is, whether the covert narcissist is a colleague, friend, or partner, if you are their chosen victim, you will already know about their alleged problems. And often they can be hard to ignore. Some even claim they are suicidal, meaning walking away feels essentially impossible for the victim.
“This will be a way to condition you into a sense of fear and walking on egg shells around them, so next time you are not going to hold them accountable,” Neo said. “They may even say this very common statement: ‘I’ve never felt this way about someone before.'”
This, again, gives you this responsibility to take care of them, even to the point you allow them to isolate you from your other friends and family.
With a covert narcissist, their emotions are paramount, but the victim’s needs and feelings are up for debate, Neo said. Everything is a competition, and nothing that happens to you even comes close to what they’ve been through, they say.
They will also never apologize, Neo said. They’ll simply give their victim the silent treatment as punishment until they give up and surrender.
A Narcissist’s Lies are Sophisticated
Essentially, covert narcissists have a high contempt for others, and anything that threatens their superiority is taken as a direct attack, Neo said. That’s why they are so hung up on being superior and looking down on everyone else.
“People who are above them in any way, in terms of their assets, or their career potential, or their talent, it’ll be ‘privilege,’ or the government’s fault,” Neo said. “Everyone else is just a rich w****r. They had rich parents. There’s always a way of blaming another person. And someone’s fortunes or talents are attributed to something external from them.”
They may appear to root for the underdog, but it’s just a way of making them look better, Neo said. By supporting liberal parties, or defining themselves as a feminist, they essentially trick people into thinking they have morals, when really their integrity is in the gutter.
They commonly tell other lies about their past, like beautiful or famous people they have slept with, or amazing job opportunities they’ve turned down. It’s all lies, Neo said. She added that covert narcissists tend to watch a lot of television because they are trying to mimic behaviors they see, such as empathy (which they are incapable of.)
Escaping a Narcissist
Escaping the clutches of a covert narcissist is hard because they drain their victims of energy and resources until they find a new target. Thomas calls it an “IV drip of poison” that doesn’t stop until they move on.
It’s not until the covert narcissist is gone that the victim finally realizes what they were going through wasn’t normal. But hopefully they do, and then they can start the process of healing, realizing it wasn’t their fault, and putting healthy boundaries in place to never be a covert narcissist’s resource again.
Covert narcissists are conflicted
It may stem from covert narcissists wanting to be worshipped. Greenberg said they are conflicted because they think a lot of themselves, but are also incredibly insecure.
“A closet narcissist doesn’t say, ‘I am special,'” she said. “They point to something else — a person, a religion, a book, a dress designer — and they are special, so they feel special by association.”
I get a lot of questions about processing feelings. This is a deep question because much of it depends on the magnitude of those feelings. For example, if you’ve been exposed to your best friend dying versus a bad haircut, your feelings and the processing of your feelings will be handled differently. And yet, there is an ingrained way that we have all learned to process feelings.
Let’s remember that our thoughts are what happens 24/7 within your mind. Skillfully controlling those thoughts is what can lead to a stress-free, balanced, and happy life. Uncontrolled feelings can lead to no end of unhappiness. We may think our feeling control us but there is a part of us that can rise above feelings.
The Objective Mind is The Observer – Welcome This Guide!
Yes, we have a mind that is capable of achieving an objective viewpoint. What is an objective viewpoint? It’s the ability to pull yourself up from yourself and look down at your life, circumstances, and your feelings. It allows you to process your feelings in a way that can not be done if you believe you ARE your feelings. We are not our feelings, but SO much more.
Some people think this reflective thinking can only be done during meditation but it can be done anytime. We have a mind that is creative. So use your imagination and pull yourself up and out of those feelings. Look down on your life as if it belongs to someone else. Then assess the situation objectively.
Where Does it All Start?
Learning to process your feelings begins in your family of origin. Consequently, if you’re parents were mature and capable of talking through things that created strong feelings then you’ll have a much better chance of doing the same. If however, you are like most of us your parents lacked the maturity to some extent.
So if you need help because your parents or guardians were lacking (which we all dealt with) try the following helpful hints to more successfully, and productively process your feelings.
Be an observer (use that objective mind)
Cultivate a realistic perspective
Write down all facts of a situation (if needed) , proof, add, delete it (if it is not a fact but only an assumption, judgement or just your interpretation)
Then, jot down all your feelings about the facts attached to this situation
Write down how any other person or persons (if pertinent) might interpret you and your actions regarding this situation… be honest with yourself right now without judgement
Do you know your desired outcome? What about anyone else’s desired outcome? Don’t assume you know what the other person wants.
Remain flexible and compromising. Honestly and fairly assess everything and everyone involved
If these feelings involve another person speak with them. Really listen to their side of the story. This usually clears up any misunderstandings.
In addition, here’s more advice to help you process your feelings:
Make an Emotionally Intelligent decision to accept something as is or to take productive and positive action.
Give yourself the smart flexibility to shift your plan based on what keeps being revealed what makes most sense.
Make fewer personal plans regarding other people. You’ll save yourself a lot of unhappiness and anxiety.
Create attainable, do-able action steps when problem solving, trying to reach new goals, or conquer projects.
Don’t unrealistically overload yourself with new tasks. Accept yourself too. If your action steps are too ambitious, unrealistic, and difficult it will only frustrate and sabotage your efforts. Don’t fall into this ditch.
Assess your process and the result outcomes….be flexible to “Tweak” when necessary
Use your mind creatively and with imagination.
See your life objectively so that the sting of life fades. We all deal with issues. It’s learning to deal with them that allows us to grow. Don’t wish your life was perfect, then you wouldn’t have the opportunity to deal with things that can help you mature.
Use all of these skills and more to positively transform parts of your life and relationships. You can learn to process your feelings and see the world anew! Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Begin with small do-able and realistic shifts and steps. Stay consistent and Never, Ever Give Up!
Always choose kindness towards yourself and others.
Setting healthy boundaries means you place limits on what you will accept of another person’s words or actions. It is the foundation of a long and healthy relationship. Therefore, the best time to begin the practice of setting healthy boundaries is when you first meet. Without healthy boundaries a terrific relationship is not possible.
Unfortunately, our culture and myths do not encourage this sort of open communication. It’s much easier to begin setting healthy boundaries at the beginning of a relationship. It is a form of training another person what you will allow. Eventually, once the relationship is on firm footing, those boundaries can become more flexible.
Setting healthy boundaries allows us to screen out unhealthy partners when we are dating. Individuals who have low self-esteem or a poor sense of identity are usually not able to respect others’ boundaries. If you say “No, I am not comfortable with that,” a healthy partner will respect that reply. An unhealthy partner will feel rejected by your “no” and take it as a challenge, and attempt to change your mind. Be aware of these things and protect yourself.
What are some examples of boundaries?
Fact: Healthy boundaries are to be used like fences to keep out things like:
Abuse – Bullying, physical, mental or emotional, embarrassment tactics
Harassment- can be camouflaged with humor or sarcasm
Toxic Manipulation – blackmail or threat of sharing a secret
Too needy – time waster
Too Intrusive with your privacy and time… always asking to join
Don’t have a life of their own and want to take over your life, your friends, children, parents, etc.
Entitled “I need and want this and you always come through for me” or “I need you to (unfairly) cover for me.
I did this for you now you owe me. ” I thought you were happy doing all my chores, cooking all our meals,
paying for everything”
Then there’s those weirdly ‘nice’ behaviors that also show a lack of boundaries
Too “YOU” focused or obsessed
Overly generous with gifts or favors
A mean gossip behind your back and everyone else’s
Too competitive… where it becomes ‘mean spirited’
Then there are those very dangerous people to avoid who have no sense of boundaries – the narcissist
Narcissism – NPDs are grandiose, lack of empathy for other people, need to put down others to make them
feel better about themselves, scanning for the negative or comparing you or your spouse or kids to others
that they put on a pedestal only to make you feel much less then.
They have a huge need for admiration or envy. They can be Arrogant, Self-centered, Manipulative, Controlling and Demanding. Don’t be fooled! Because, they
can start out charming, helpful, complimentary and just when they know they have your trust, “WHACK”, they just hit you emotionally
Setting healthy boundaries is the key to a solid foundation in a relationship. Therefore, get help from a professional if you think you can’t set appropriate boundaries or don’t recognize what they are. You can do it! You will be thankful that you set up boundaries and then enforced them. Remember, start this at the BEGINNING of a relationship. You are actually training a person how you want to be treated! Don’t leave it up to them. A person will treat you just as poorly as you allow it.
For further help on setting healthy boundaries call a life coach in San Diego.
Lisa Sawicki is a seasoned life coach professional who has helped hundreds of people set and follow through with healthy boundaries.
In addition, if you are looking for a keynote speaker Lisa has a lot of interesting stories on the topic of boundaries. She relates the points in an extremely interesting and entertaining way. Call today to book her as a speaker for your group, club or organization.
The art of emotional intelligence requires reflective thinking. You ask yourself “How am I coming off to the person in front of me?” Am I behaving in a way that is supportive of myself and that other? Think about behaving in a way that shows your sincerity and your humility. There’s simply not enough of that in the world today!
Let me give you some hints about how to practice the art of emotional intelligence.
Self Awareness: Knowing what you feel and why and what are your strengths and areas you would like to improve on.
Again, this takes some reflective thinking. Pull back on the reigns of your self. Slow down and listen to the things that come out of your mouth. Are they kind? Do you exhibit patience?
Self Management: Use self awareness to get better at handling your impulses and your disruptive emotions. Actually STOP before you blurt out the same old reaction habits you always do. It will surprise those around you. Give it a chance and see if others don’t also change. Yes, I know… they should change first. Get off that thought and be the bigger person. You can only control yourself, no one else! This is the heart of emotional intelligence.
Empathy: Emotional intelligence is about sensing how other people feel and being able to read them accurately. Actually LISTEN to others without thinking about what you want to say next. Then pause and let them know you heard them. Show interest in what they say. The best gift you can give someone is the gift of your attention. Ask them questions about what they just said to you. BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER. Use your best intuition to feel the vibe and think what you or another person might need in this moment.
Skillful Relationships: Pay attention and focus on your needs and then blend that with what someone else needs. Our relationships are our most valuable life experience. Treat them with fairness, respect and care.
Healthy and loving relationships develop with emotional intelligence when there is:
Trust – When another person knows they are safe with you they can be themselves. Give another human being that gift. Be trustworthy with their secrets and guard them like they were family.
A Feeling of Safety – Again, a person can heal when they feel safe. We all have emotional upsets that we need a friend to hear. Be that friend!
Real Listening Skills – Listen with the intent to HEAR not reply. Sometimes a compassionate witness is just ‘what the doctor ordered.’
Real Focus – Yes, this listening takes focus, concentration, and heart. You can do it!
Fairness and Respect – Always treat others the way you would want to be treated.
Communication Skills Awareness:
Verbal: What we say and how we say it.
Watch your tone with others. Sometimes we are not aware that our tone can be hurtful. Avoid sarcasm. You may think it’s funny but it’s rarely helpful or needed.
Non-Verbal:What we communicate without words, through body language, tone of voice or our actions.
Yes, this is more difficult but try and become aware of how you carry yourself, your facial expressions, and your overall demeanor.
Listening Skills:How we interpret both the verbal and non-verbal messages sent by others.
Stay clear with others by asking questions immediately if you think you heard something that offended you. 99% of the time it was not what the other person wanted to relay. Upsets can be easily overcome by getting things straightened out immediately
Above all have a sense of humor! People with high emotional intelligence have an excellent sense of humor and use it frequently to dispel all kinds of difficult situations. You can do it!
Creating Transformative Relationship with Self and Others
Learning the Skills you need for this “ART FORM”
by Lisa Sawicki
Those people with excellent emotional health are those who can control their emotions and behavior. In addition, those with emotional health will show resilience during troubling and challenging situations. Furthermore, people with emotional health can build strong and lasting relationships during their lifetime. This desired state of emotional health requires:
A healthy emotional state doesn’t just happen.
So, let’s start by giving you some of the knowledge you need to achieve emotional health.
The Characteristics of Emotional Health
Emotional Health is steeped in positive characteristics, meaning that positive emotions are pertinent to achieving emotional health. Emotionally healthy people have a:
Sense of Contentment
Zest for Life
Ability to deal with Stress and Obstacles
Sense of Meaning and Purpose in Life
Flexibility to learn and adapt
Balance between Work, Play and ‘You’ time
Ability to Create and Maintain Relationships
High Self Esteem
Emotional health is more than optimism. It is an authentic understanding of what truly makes us happy. Being emotionally healthy does not imply the absence of all negative emotions. In addition, it is not faking positive emotions when they are not genuinely felt.
Emotional health is reached when you learn to accept yourself with love, compassion and respect. Above all, it’s in those instances where you make mistakes, feel rejected, or encounter setbacks in your life where you can exercise that muscle that allows your emotional health to grow!
Think of emotional health as a workout
Embrace challenges. For example, see even little challenges as an opportunity to cultivate new reaction habits. Furthermore, surprise your family and friends with a new approach. Sometimes when we change others around us change too.
Above all practice emotional intelligence and be your own Life Coach throughout the day. Slow down and notice your behavior. This starts with three critical elements:
Identify when you feel yourself behaving in ways you’d like to change
Understand there is a different and improved way to handle things
Use your own emotions and your imagination to determine how you want to behave next time
Consider positive ways to relieve stress and anxiety. Things like exercise, meditation, and play are helpful in this regard.
Do you need a life coach? I can help! My name is Lisa Sawicki and I have devoted my life to helping others with their emotional health. Call me today for a free evaluation.
Most people have food restrictions and food allergies today even if it is the most common one of gaining weight.
That being said, an individual(s) inside a family should never be made to feel different or high maintenance. We all have learned that each one of us has to manage food lifestyle choices. No person escapes that for physical comfort and health.
It’s important to not feel like you’re just someone with diabetes. Understand we are ‘all on the same playing field’. We all need to make eating a healthy and desirable experience. Come at the issue from delicious ‘food abundance’ as opposed to ‘food deprivation’.
What are some of the things you can do to gain freedom around food?
Use of color, textures, tastes, presentation, herbs, spices and variety
Think about food as the ‘Gift of Nourishment and the Gift of Eating’
Keep your food looking fresh, organized, and easy to see and get to from your refrigerator.
Plan great meals ahead of time and enjoy the process of that preparation
Know the restaurants that work well for everyone with all their various food needs.
Make all of this a priority and a real food art project. Make it fun and embracing.
Create some easy and healthy ‘go to’ snacks when you have zero energy or time to create a meal.
Have in-stock the foods you love ready to go in your refrigerator and your car
Star your new food / ‘eating art 4 life ‘ project right now. Make time to think and prepare. Embrace it with creativity, insight and passion. We have to eat…smart. Just like anything else we have to do things to obtain our best results. Consequently, if we have to eat smart then I say let it be enjoyable and delicious!
It is incredibly worth the overall healthy results and good, freeing feelings. Here is another article you can read about freedom from food.
If you have other questions about food, dieting, or just getting your skills around food dialed in call me! So, I’m happy to meet with you in person and give you even more life skills about this very important matter.
It is possible, even in these trying times, to be productive, creative and peaceful. How you ask? Let me show you techniques …
CPPC, CLC, LPCC Certified Coach.
I'm a San Diego based Life, Relationship, Self, and Dating Coach. I also have a Communications Bachelor of Science Degree from Boston University. Every day I am working alongside my clients to combine honest self awareness, self talk, and self action to breakthrough emotional blocks, issues, difficult relationships and desired goal results.