Lisa Sawicki San Diego Certified Life / Dating / Romance Coach says “Most Healthy, strong relationships have disagreements. Stuff comes up all the time. You can be so in love one moment and then some little thing happens or is said and bang, you are both at each other’s throats. How did it happen, everything was going so well?”
But it does. A fight with someone you are attracted to or in love with can happen out of nowhere. One minute you are the most perfect harmonious couple then BANG, you both just fell into a Fighting Ditch.
The trick is not to avoid arguments at all cost because trust me, one of you or both of you will be mad at one another for a short or long period of time on various times in your romantic relationship.
The trick is to learn how to fight fair because disagreements are going to happen.
• Have the maturity and self-control to fight and have your disagreements in private. It is unhealthy for your children or anyone else to have to witness the two of you ‘going at it’ when you are angry. You need to be in PRIVATE.
• Stick to the number one issue at hand. Do not bring up past behavior examples or other issues. You need to stay only with this issue if it is important enough. Not just the current episode, but the underlying issue. “I always feel terrible when you …….”
• Know the REAL issue. State it clearly. Don’t beat around the bush. Try not to be mean, when you are saying it. Try to have some respect and ‘benefit -of-the-doubt ‘ sensitivity.
• No Name Calling. Let me repeat this; No Name Calling.
• Have a Solution Goal in mind for this disagreement. Something like “I want to go somewhere on vacation that we both want to go, not just one of us.” There has to be a solution goal for a more harmonious outcome other than for just one of you.
• Be generous enough if you made your point. When your Partner apologizes, make a joke to end the fight. In other words, if your Partner is hearing you and gets it, end the argument.
• Pick and choose your battles. Every little thing does not warrant you to be mad; even if you have the right to be mad, it just isn’t so earth-shattering.
• Every fight needs a time limit, when you both have said and screamed everything you needed to communicate, stop the discussion. You may even need to give each other some space. Go into the next room or take a walk to cool off. If you haven’t reached your solution goal, understanding, or compromise, just try to agree that the issue is not resolved yet but it makes sense for you both to get some immediate space from the conversation. Put the issue on hold for a moment. The pause might actually give one of you or both of you some more clarity for resolution.
If you don’t bring up issues when they arise in a safe and private environment and try to pretend that you have a conflict-free relationship, the issues will NOT Go Away. Soon, toxic resentment will build between you and your partner. When this begins to happen, over and over again , an issue that may have been easily resolved had it been brought up, talked about, agreed on, and dealt with, is now something that is poisoning your relationship and puncturing the feelings of love and care you have for your partner.
What your ultimate goal is finding the “Fair” in fighting. Dr. Phil said in Happenings “A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control” Dr. Phil’s article can be seen here http://www.happenings9ja.com/happenings/posts/live-play/parenting/do-you-fight-fair
So don’t avoid disagreement or a necessary fight, just learn how to Fight Fair.